Oh my God!



I tend to get depressed

Instead of getting angry,

but I can still hate.

And so at a young age

I hate God

And I hate Religion

And I despise

All those stupid motherfuckers

Who believe

In god.

I mean,

Jesus fucking Christ

Are you kidding me?

Some fucking patsy died for my sins?


I’m  7 or 8 years old

in Virginia

It’s  a warm day

and the light filters in

to the church

as I shit on the floor.

Not one witness

To my disdain, distaste and venom.

My hatred is alive.

And I say Fuck You!

But I’m not angry.


What I sadly come to understand

Years later

Is that act of hatred,

my big statement,

my scatological venom

that I leave  steaming on the church floor

Has no effect on god

No effect on religion

No effect on  the church.

The only one affected by this shit

Is pushing the mop.

The poor janitor

who has to clean it up.

So, dude,

I apologize

on bended knee. Seriously.

I meant you no wrong.

I’d clean up your shit today

If it would make up for it…


3 years later

and my friend Jim

just doesn’t show up for school one day.

Turns out

He  just stopped living –

Ceased to exist


Died in a car wreck

The night before

Wrapped around a tree

with his brother

who was driving

and who survived

and how the hell

does he live with that?


I’m at a loss as to

how to live with it.

How to make sense of it.

Shit don’t make no sense.

There’s a big gaping whole

Where once there was my friend.


There’s no one I can talk to

Not my family

Not my friends.


I pick up the bible

And find another book of stories

That aren’t too easy to read

For an 11 year old

looking for some answers

To some big fucking questions.


But there are no answers

So I’m left at a loss

And  keep this locked inside

Until right now

And though it never makes sense

I slowly come to accept

that loss and death

are part of life,

just as life is part of death.

And it’s only in our minds

That they separate

only in our minds

do they become opposites,

staring each other down

across the void of intellect.


Looking for answers

Of a spiritual nature

And finding none,

I soon find the next best thing.

Sweet baby jesus.

I find spirites.


And so begins the fight

Of and for my life.

Because the spirits

And the powders

And the gasses

And the grasses

And the tablets

And the smoke

And the rocks

And the liquids –

They all give me relief.

They don’t give me answers.

They just make the questions go away.

They Give life meaning

And they take it away.


As more and more

people around me start dying

From these spirits

I end up feeling

That the friends

I lose along the way

are the lucky ones

because they found a way out.

And I’m still stuck

Here in this god forsaken place.

This place with no god damn answers.


Don’t get me wrong,

It’s not all doom and gloom.

Not all Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath.

I have lots of fun along the way.

Like James Brown said, I feel good.

Sometimes the light of the spirits

Fills my being.

And at times I live for the

Darkness of despair.

Because it feels so true and honest.


I find the joy

of having sex

In church

Somehow there is a special thrill

Of fornicating in the pews

Or in the choir area

Specially with Donna,

Who was brought up

A good catholic girl.


Donna has snakes at home.

2 nine foot boa constrictors

When I sleep over

in Forest Hills

I wake up in the morning

To find the 2 boas curled

Under my head.

Donna and I eat apples

For breakfast.


In the mid 90’s

I’m Snatched out of

This god forsaken place

Some would say by god

But not me

I have to call it

A family intervention.


Whatever it is,

My cycle

Of destruction stops.

Destruction of self and others


Destruction of morals and mortals

Destruction of ideals and beliefs

Destruction of history and future

My destruction of everything in my path…..stops.


And though I no longer

Shit on church floors

Or fuck like a pagan

as jesus looks on,

I still stay well clear

Of anything that hints

Of god, religion, or spirit.

I place my trust

in machines

And the smell of sweat.

I have faith

In Human toil and turmoil.

In the asphalt under my feet.


Years go by.

I become things

I never would have imagined.

And I become happy.

For a while.


But eventually I find myself

Yearning for that familiar hell

Missing the seeming truth

Of despair


My sanitized life

Seems like a ruse

A fiction

And I convince myself

that the sad truth is

I wasn’t born

To be happy.


I was born

To live life on the edge

I was born

To be on the edge

The edge of suicide.


That’s what feels true

So I open that door once again.

3 years later

while contemplating

the distance

from the Tappan Zee Bridge

to the water below

I fall apart

I fall right in to god

Right through god

Though I didn’t call it that

At the time


Fragmented in to little pieces

Like the sun glistening on the Hudson

Sobbing, shaking

I realize with a smile

I’m just a tiny fucking speck

Just Here for a second…


In five minutes

My fear departs

Fear I’ve held for a lifetime

Fear that was in my marrow

Fear that I was taught as a kid

Fear that felt so fucking real

Fear that kept me safe

It just dissolved in to smoke

And I was held


And now I know

Whatever happens

It’s okay.

When loved ones die

When I die

When the dirty bomb hits the city

When birds fall from the sky

When the tea party takes over

And when the ice melts and the seas rise

It’ll be okay.


All my plans

My designs

My desires

My wants

Don’t matter at all.


Relief. Finally some fucking relief.


I’m still allergic

To the patsy who dies for my sins,

Still allergic

To any religion that wages war

In the name of god,

Still allergic

To those saying

Thank god my god is god

Still allergic

To any religion that says

we have the right to

weapons of  mass destruction

and you don’t.

Still allergic

To the whole us vs them

Mentality of separation

That underlies all dogma.

Still allergic

To right wing right for lifers

Still allergic

To televangelists

Praying for you

To send them your money

Still allergic

To god fearing Christians

Cause fear doesn’t have a place in this.


So I find

That once again

I don’t get answers

And the questions

Have been revealed

to be unanswerable.

And honestly,

I’m relieved.




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