Fear and Breathing

Fears. We all have them.

But how much are we ruled by them. My mother used to tell me that you are always either moving forward or backward. A friend of mine now says that every decision we make is either based out of fear or love. I know at times I’m running, but it’s not always easy to know if I’m running towards something or away from something. There’s a whole world of fears out there. My mind can latch on to the most benign shit. I wonder if fear, stress and anxiety has become a default, a habitual state.  Not just for me but for the world. Fear fuels news. You don’t turn on the radio or TV and hear, “Coming up at 6 o’clock: 80% of Metrosexuals say that they feel great!”

Why do I fear that there will never be enough? Is the world going to run out of ice cream? Do I really need that extra bite? Sometimes I’m like a squirrel stocking up for the winter.

Why do I fear that one of these days, the people that I have been working with for over a dozen years will finally wake up and realize that I’m just faking it, that I don’t REALLY know what I’m doing? That I’ve been faking it pretty good so far, but I’m sure that the shit is going to come down any day now. And this in the face of ongoing accolades about the work that I do.

Why do I fear that I will end up alone, stark naked and cold? Penniless and destitute, trying to hide from humanity as my body slowly loses it’s functions. With no one to take care of me because I’ve burned every bridge. Why do I fear that I’ll live so long that all I am is a burden to those around me and the system that might support me?

Why do I have an underlying fear that everything will NOT be alright?

I feel these fears when I’m projecting, when I’m living in the past and the future, when I’m not rooted in the present. I look at the overwhelming big picture and it crushes me, everything seems just so immense, too big to handle.

But if I stop, take a breath, close my eyes and breath, all that noise and fear settles a bit. I can see that I don’t need to do 12 things at once and go 150 miles per hour. I can take that time to breath. I can move forward from a place of love and not fear. I can do what I need to do, just the one thing in front of me now, and not worry about the outcome of that. I can lighten my load, decrease my stress, and help myself and those around me. Love that.

 

 

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